We Get It, Smoking is Bad for You

For several years, TheTruth.com has been inundating us with heavy-handed commercials about how evil tobacco companies are and how many people die every year as a result of smoking. What's most irritating is not the message, but the way in which they deliver it. First, it was "hip and irreverant" twenty-somethings engaged in guerilla campaigns outside of tobacco companies, staging melodramatic exhibits of corporate avarice--piles of body bags representing the number of people that die in a day from smoking; reading confidential cover-up memos over a megaphone; some cowboy who had a tracheostomy singing a depressing song; and some stunt with baby dolls crawling around--I"m not sure what that was supposed to represent, but it made my skin crawl.

Now, it's "the Sunny Side of Truth," a campaign using cartoon characters to show (I think) how companies use kid-friendly images to convince them to buy cigarettes. Either that or its an ironic juxtaposition of a serious topic with a whimsical image. Anyway, it's annoying and overdone. See?

The commercials show--surprise--hip and irreverant twenty-somethings singing Disney-like songs with various cartoon fairies, leprechauns, unicorns, and such. Except instead of singing about love, hope and dreams, they're singing about death, pain and cancer. Like the one when two teens are looking at a huge 50 foot list of names representing all the people who died from cancer last year and then, realizing the enormity of the list, start singing "It must have been a typo" with dancing typewriters all around. Fun!!

Look, smoking is a terrible, destructive habit. And anyone who doesn't know that smoking is bad for you is criminally stupid. I also understand the need for education to prevent kids from smoking and to help people quit. But there has to be some kind of happy medium between education and the equivalent of a jackhammer to the head. When the commercials first came out, I honestly thought about buying stock in Phillip Morris as a protest. Here's a simple recommendation to TheTruth--a little subtlety goes a long way. Maybe they can get away with showing the dangers of smoking by lighting Joe Camel on fire.

AT&T Wireless Commercials--Go BEEEEP Yourself.

I'm not trying to pick on AT&T, its just that, well, all of their commercials suck. All of them. Suck. Hard.

In addition to the ill conceived and cat-punch-inducing talking thumbs ad, AT&T has gone overboard with a tiresomely repetitive campaign involving cell phone voice mail. Apparently, the company wants you to believe that they get"more bars" than their competition, which allegedly results in better coverage. Well, as a practical matter, it's kind of common knowledge that AT&T Wireless service gargles big hairy 'nads. But, besides that, the commercials are annoying.

They all go something like this: "Beep! Assclown's phone here. Assclown can't take your call now because he doesn't have AT&T. So, when his Doctor called to warn him that the strange rash he complained about was a particularly virulent type of herpes that could only be transmitted by Thai dwarf trannies and that he should not, under any circumstances, have sex with his wife...yeah, he didn't get that message. Sorry honey."

Except, instead of a VD-ridden perv, the commercials feature a creepy overprotective father; a weird-looking corporate hack named Ned; a Michael Phelps-obsessed crazy stalker girl; a dude who doesn't know how to fry a turkey; and, most recently...a snowman. That's right, a snowman. Named "Snowball." Wow.

OK, full disclosure. Maybe I am picking on AT&T. After all, a few years ago my wife got a phone call from a telemarketer who wanted her to switch over to AT&T long distance. When my wife politely refused, the rep called her stupid. So, SCREW YOU AT&T. Besides, your commercials really do suck.

Charmin Bears and Toilet Paper--Wipe Out

Here's one of my favorite jokes: A bear is in the middle of taking a huge dump in the woods when his good friend, Mr. Bunny, comes strolling along. The bear stops Mr. Bunny and says, "Hey, Bunny, when you take a shit, does it stick to your fur?" Mr. Bunny responds, "Nope." So the bear grabs Mr. Bunny and wipes his ass with him.

Well, apparently, bears do indeed shit in the woods, but they don't use little bunnies; instead, they use Charmin TP. Charmin has gone to great lengths to make the underlying use of their product a little more palatable, by using a cute and furry cartoon bear family.

For the most part, the ads really didn't bother me when they first came out. Recently, however, the ads have gone TMI...by showcasing how much better Charmin is when it comes to leaving behind "little white pieces."

How do the commercials go about showing the problems of leftover TP in your crack? Well, duh! Through a friendly game of family football, of course. You see, Daddy Bear, playing QB, is about to take a snap from Junior under center, when he notices that Junior's bunghole is papered with leftovers. I kid you not when I say that the actual script is: "Down, Set...Yikes!!"

Guess what? Even if leftovers are a problem, I don't want to hear about it, and I sure as hell don't want to see it, on cartoon bears or anyone else. Even if you're into the whole German scheissa-video thing (and really, who isn't?), its still disgusting. Here's a test: Think of someone really, really hot. Now picture them with leftover TP hanging around their nether regions. Still hot? No.

OK Charmin, we get it--your TP is stronger than the competition. Please don't let us know how much more resistant it gets when Junior starts trying out his newest hobby in the bathroom.