Badvertisement Hall of Fame

So, every now and again I'll dredge up an old commercial or campaign that really, really sucked. The first inductee is probably a bit of a controversial pick, since there are some people that actually found it entertaining. Those people are dumb. Or drunk. The ad is the "Spongemonkey" campain from Quizno's about 5 or 6 years ago. What's a Spongemonkey, you ask? Well here, have a look:

I'm not quite sure which is worse: The lunatic who came up with the actual Spongemonkey idea or the Quizno's exec who thought it was a good idea to use them in a commercial. I can only imagine the pitch:

Former Quizno's Ad exec: So, you see, there are two rat-looking vermin with googly eyes and bad British dental work. They have really insanely annoying voices and will sing a song about loving Quizno's subs while hovering their germ-infested bodies over the sandwiches while they're being prepared. Whaddaya think?!

Other Former Exec: I like it! Vermin in restaurants is the next big thing.

Mmmm...appetizing. I haven't eaten at Quizno's in, oh, I dunno, 5 or 6 years.

December to Remember How Much Richer We are Than You

Today is Black Friday and the full-scale ad blitz for the holiday season has begun in full force. Now, if you haven't noticed, the economy is in the crapper. So, you would think that people might be just a little more cautious than usual this year in their holiday spending. Well, not according to Lexus. You see, it's that time of year again, the Lexus "December to Remember" sale. That means a whole bunch of commercials where rich jackasses surprise their spouse/significant other/family on Christmas morning with a fun holiday surprise--a $40,000+ luxury vehicle wrapped in a big red bow. Awwww, isn't that nice?


Screw you Lexus. I'll be lucky to get a $14 check from my Great Aunt and a Phil Collins CD. And I f&^!ng hate Phil Collins. If I ever come across a guy who tells me he is buying a Lexus for his wife for Christmas (or any car for that matter), I will punch him in the head. Hard. And then put a red bow on his prone body. Happy Holidays!

Wendy Is Evil

I don't like the new Wendy's commercials, because I don't like the newly animated Wendy. Or should I say, the re-animated Wendy. She is waaaaay creepy. Sure, at first glance she looks happy and chipper. But, have you looked at her eyes? They are black and evil, devoid of life or feeling. Like a Great White Shark's, only demonic. If she had it her way, you'd eat her food and then she would suck the soul from your body. She haunts my dreams. Here, have a look:

Eat a Frosty...and then have Wendy rip your intestines from your body without her pulse ever exceeding 75 bpm. Add Wendy to my list of nightmarish creatures, along with clowns, ostriches, and the cast of Real World/Road Rules.

Bad Italian Food is NOT funny

What is it with the Olive Garden commercials? How come everyone is so damn happy and how come everyone laughs hysterically at everything everyone says. Sample dialogue:

Suprisingly Non-Obese Male Customer 1: Oh boy, it's all you can eat pasta tonight. I'd like another bowl with marinara sauce.
Annoying Wife 1: Haven't you had enough?
Surprisingly Non-Obese Male Customer 1: No way!
(Laughter all around the table)

OK, clearly not funny. Also, nobody can be that happy while shoving bad quasi-Italian food down their gullets. Here's a more realistic scenario for that commercial:

Male Customer 1: This food sucks, but I want to get my money's worth, so I'm gonna have another bowl.
Annoying wife: Hey, fatso, maybe you should lay off the complex carbs and have a salad instead.
Male Customer 1: Shut up and leave me alone. I hate you.

Now THAT's much better.