Least Subtle Commercial Ever

Hi everyone and I apologize for the hiatus between posts. I'm sure life has simply not been the same without the sharp insight and ascerbic wit that brings such joy to the two people who have actually read this blog...

I have a good excuse, however. I have recently become a father to a little baby girl. As I'm sure you know, parenthood fundamentally changes you. So, while listening to Baby Einstein and changing a loaded diaper, my sleep-deprived brain was thinking to itself, "Self--would it kill you to write about commercials that you like in addition to those that you hate?" And then I thought, "Hey Self, that's a stupid fucking idea. The name of the blog is 'Badvertisements.' Are you going to change it to 'Goodvertisements' now? Quit being a pussy."

Fortunately, I then saw a commercial that is the best of both worlds. It is terrible, but I love it. And I would not be a responsible critic (and by "critic" I mean "amateur hack") if I did not write about it. The product: Schick Quattro Ladies' Razors. The advertised use: Trimming pubes. Degree of clever subtelty: Zero.

There are actually two commercials. Both involve the same subject matter. In the first, a woman is taking a jog, and as she passes by a series of overgrown shrubs, they shape themselves into more sightly forms. The second is a whole terrible song-and-dance kind of thing about how much women love to "mow the lawn." Get it? It's not really about mowing the lawn. It's about shaving vagina hair. I wanted to let you in on the joke in case it went over your head. I am also
digging the heart-shaped shrubbery. One problem, however--why no, um, leaf-less shrubs? Hey, maybe fatherhood hasn't changed me so much after all!

Useless Animation Does Not Get Me My Retirement Funds Back

For some reason, Charles Schwab feels compelled to use fancy-schmancy rotoscoping animation in their commercials:

I just don't see the point. In fact, it doesn't say much for your product when your entire ad campaign is comprised of taking bad actors complaining about mundane financial topics and then animating them to make everthing seem more interesting. Oooooh. Awesome.

If you're going to animate people, why waste time using normal looking people talking about broker fees and expenses or minimum account balances. Use the technology to your advantage. In a word--nudity. Seriously, why couldn't you interview hot chicks, animate them, and then digitally get them butt naked. If that's the case, then they could talk about anything you want; you've got my attention. Open an account--sure, why not? Buy stock in Enron--absolutely.

I know you make your money giving advice to people, but let me offer some to you Chucky-Boy: The next time we're about to head into the worst recessionary environment in a generation, if you're not going to tell me what to buy or when to sell, at least use your high-powered advertising technology to let me see some boobies. It doesn't help me retire any sooner, but it helps pass the time better.

Googly Eyes + Money = Stupid


Maybe it's my fault. After all, a few months ago I complained that the GEICO caveman commercials were getting old and recommended that the company roll out a new ad campaign. I figured a big insurance company with a gazilliony dollars in revenue might invest in a decent ad budget and come up with some fresh and new ideas. Well, after what clearly amounted to a heavy vetting process with thousands of cutting-edge marketing concepts being bandied about, the company unveiled a new, high-tech, GEICO mascot:

This, apparently, is known as "The Money You Could Be Saving With GEICO," or its cute acronym, TMYCBSWG. Holy shit.

The commercials are almost as baffling as the decision to make an anthropomorphic wad of cash with creepy googly eyes as the company spokesthing. In my personal favorite ad, an old hag is perpetually giggling and glancing over her shoulder at a Chinese restaurant while her defeated husband is mowing down on his Happy Combo #5. At some point, the waiter points out that the woman is, inexplicably, flirting with TMYCBSWG. The whore's response: "I know." Cue the theme music! (Rockwell's "Somebody's Watching Me").

You know, I have enough problems watching my money fly out the door. I don't need my money watching me. Especially if its following me around and staring at me with cold, dead eyes. Taunting me. Trying to snare me in its haunting gaze. Calling to me. Calling...Hey, maybe those caveman commercials weren't half bad.

Don't Go With the Flo

So, the spokesperson for Progressive Insurance is an overstimulated character named "Flo". Flo looks like this:

I would like to offer a psychological profile on Flo. Flo was the girl in High School who was so hyperactive she vibrated. She was obsessed with musical theater and got lame supporting roles in every hackey school production of "Pippen," "Little Shop of Horrors", and "Miss Saigon." She delusionally thought she was going to make it to Broadway, but the closest she would get would be summer gigs at the local amusement park, singing fake Disney songs to a group of 27 screaming and crying 8 year-olds.

Flo was mildly attractive, but was so fucking annoying that no guy could tolerate spending any prolonged period of time with her, even for a guaranteed handy. Any guy who was clueless enough to go out with her never called her again after the first date. This resulted in Flo engaging in several rounds of unhealthy obsessive late-night calls, multiple text messages, 6 restraining orders, and 4 punctured tires.

Flo spent two years in Community College, earning her Associate's Degree in communications. She continued to live in her parent's house, with a room decorated in pink, and walls adorned with posters of 'N Sync, Hello Kitty, and unicorns. She also has 4 cats, two of which have names that begin with "Mr." or "Miss." Finally, when her parents told her that she really needed to find a job, she found an ad on Monster for a sales rep for Progressive. The ad read: "Nation's leading insurance company seeking enthusiastic, high-energy sales representatives. Must be customer-focused and comfortable speaking in public. Prior acting experience a plus."

Flo is having a moderately successful career in sales. Customer feedback on her is binary--those who love her claim that she truly cares about creating a great client experience and has true loyalty to Progressive. Those who hate her state that she is a "little off" and "too intense." One customer has asserted that he received a Valentine's Day card from Flo with a picture of all four of her cats dressed as Cupid.

Of course, everything described above is fiction and crap--I am not a psychologist. However, I am quite certain that everyone knows or has known a Flo in their life. As for the commercials, let's face it, Flo is scary and annoying. If I went into a Progressive store and she came up to me, I would run away screaming. Then again, she is kind of not terrible looking...no, forget it, totally not worth it.

We Get It, Smoking is Bad for You

For several years, TheTruth.com has been inundating us with heavy-handed commercials about how evil tobacco companies are and how many people die every year as a result of smoking. What's most irritating is not the message, but the way in which they deliver it. First, it was "hip and irreverant" twenty-somethings engaged in guerilla campaigns outside of tobacco companies, staging melodramatic exhibits of corporate avarice--piles of body bags representing the number of people that die in a day from smoking; reading confidential cover-up memos over a megaphone; some cowboy who had a tracheostomy singing a depressing song; and some stunt with baby dolls crawling around--I"m not sure what that was supposed to represent, but it made my skin crawl.

Now, it's "the Sunny Side of Truth," a campaign using cartoon characters to show (I think) how companies use kid-friendly images to convince them to buy cigarettes. Either that or its an ironic juxtaposition of a serious topic with a whimsical image. Anyway, it's annoying and overdone. See?

The commercials show--surprise--hip and irreverant twenty-somethings singing Disney-like songs with various cartoon fairies, leprechauns, unicorns, and such. Except instead of singing about love, hope and dreams, they're singing about death, pain and cancer. Like the one when two teens are looking at a huge 50 foot list of names representing all the people who died from cancer last year and then, realizing the enormity of the list, start singing "It must have been a typo" with dancing typewriters all around. Fun!!

Look, smoking is a terrible, destructive habit. And anyone who doesn't know that smoking is bad for you is criminally stupid. I also understand the need for education to prevent kids from smoking and to help people quit. But there has to be some kind of happy medium between education and the equivalent of a jackhammer to the head. When the commercials first came out, I honestly thought about buying stock in Phillip Morris as a protest. Here's a simple recommendation to TheTruth--a little subtlety goes a long way. Maybe they can get away with showing the dangers of smoking by lighting Joe Camel on fire.

AT&T Wireless Commercials--Go BEEEEP Yourself.

I'm not trying to pick on AT&T, its just that, well, all of their commercials suck. All of them. Suck. Hard.

In addition to the ill conceived and cat-punch-inducing talking thumbs ad, AT&T has gone overboard with a tiresomely repetitive campaign involving cell phone voice mail. Apparently, the company wants you to believe that they get"more bars" than their competition, which allegedly results in better coverage. Well, as a practical matter, it's kind of common knowledge that AT&T Wireless service gargles big hairy 'nads. But, besides that, the commercials are annoying.

They all go something like this: "Beep! Assclown's phone here. Assclown can't take your call now because he doesn't have AT&T. So, when his Doctor called to warn him that the strange rash he complained about was a particularly virulent type of herpes that could only be transmitted by Thai dwarf trannies and that he should not, under any circumstances, have sex with his wife...yeah, he didn't get that message. Sorry honey."

Except, instead of a VD-ridden perv, the commercials feature a creepy overprotective father; a weird-looking corporate hack named Ned; a Michael Phelps-obsessed crazy stalker girl; a dude who doesn't know how to fry a turkey; and, most recently...a snowman. That's right, a snowman. Named "Snowball." Wow.

OK, full disclosure. Maybe I am picking on AT&T. After all, a few years ago my wife got a phone call from a telemarketer who wanted her to switch over to AT&T long distance. When my wife politely refused, the rep called her stupid. So, SCREW YOU AT&T. Besides, your commercials really do suck.

Charmin Bears and Toilet Paper--Wipe Out

Here's one of my favorite jokes: A bear is in the middle of taking a huge dump in the woods when his good friend, Mr. Bunny, comes strolling along. The bear stops Mr. Bunny and says, "Hey, Bunny, when you take a shit, does it stick to your fur?" Mr. Bunny responds, "Nope." So the bear grabs Mr. Bunny and wipes his ass with him.

Well, apparently, bears do indeed shit in the woods, but they don't use little bunnies; instead, they use Charmin TP. Charmin has gone to great lengths to make the underlying use of their product a little more palatable, by using a cute and furry cartoon bear family.

For the most part, the ads really didn't bother me when they first came out. Recently, however, the ads have gone TMI...by showcasing how much better Charmin is when it comes to leaving behind "little white pieces."

How do the commercials go about showing the problems of leftover TP in your crack? Well, duh! Through a friendly game of family football, of course. You see, Daddy Bear, playing QB, is about to take a snap from Junior under center, when he notices that Junior's bunghole is papered with leftovers. I kid you not when I say that the actual script is: "Down, Set...Yikes!!"

Guess what? Even if leftovers are a problem, I don't want to hear about it, and I sure as hell don't want to see it, on cartoon bears or anyone else. Even if you're into the whole German scheissa-video thing (and really, who isn't?), its still disgusting. Here's a test: Think of someone really, really hot. Now picture them with leftover TP hanging around their nether regions. Still hot? No.

OK Charmin, we get it--your TP is stronger than the competition. Please don't let us know how much more resistant it gets when Junior starts trying out his newest hobby in the bathroom.