AT&T Talking Thumbs--Lick My Text-icles.

In general, I am anti-texting, unless you are a 10 to 14 year-old girl. If you're not, then call someone on the phone if you need to get a hold of them or send an e-mail, using actual English. The whole LOL, OMG, BFF, SCKMYDCK texting vernacular makes me want to puke.

I am also of the opinion that texting makes us appear even lazier and stupider than we are, which is no small feat. Case in point--the AT&T talking thumbs commercial. If you've seen it, the ad elicits a visceral reaction so primitive that after it's over all you want to do is smash someone's face in with a club. If you haven't seen it, consider yourself lucky. But, let me try to 'splain it to you:

Under the guise of asking "how do you say LOL," the commercial shows four sets of thumbs, each with wee little talking faces where the thumbnails should be moving rapidly across a cell phone QWERTY keyboard. The first set of thumbs is a black guy saying and typing "Funny is knocking on the door and he wants to PAAARTAAAY!" The second set of thumbs is a dorky white guy with glasses shrieking "That's insanium in the cranium dawg." The third set is a goth chick mumbling "I'm laughing on the dark abysmal inside...huh huh" And the fourth set is a doper screaming "Shake your funny maker. Shake it. Shake it hard."

I wish that I could have said the above paragraph was written while I was hallucinating after downing 8 pounds of 'shrooms. Unfortunately, I wasn't. All I can really say is...HOLY FUCKING SHIT! JUST WRITING ABOUT THAT COMMERCIAL MAKES HULK WANT TO SMASH!!!"........ OK, I just punched my cat. I feel better now.

There are, quite obviously, way too many things wrong and annoying about this advertisement to document here. So, let's just discuss a few. First, and most importantly, talking thumbs are creepy, weird, freaky, and physiologically impossible. Secondly, even if thumbs could talk, if my thumbs ever said "That's insanium in the cranium, dawg," I would hit them repeatedly with a mallet or hack them off with a blunt axe.

There is nothing redeeming or even remotely amusing about this commercial. As I mentioned before, it makes me want to break shit. Whoever came up with that ad should have suitable punishment meted out. Perhaps they could be tied up and then have their own thumbs shoved up their respective asses for so long that even Richard Gere would find it excessive.

I Want to Kick McDonald's in the Nuggnuts

I used to love McDonald's. I also used to love Chicken McNuggets. I loved dipping random pieces of golden fried chicken knuckle goodness into BBQ sauce and honey. I used to down 20 pieces in one sitting, which, while delicious, also unfortunately contributed a childhood defined by a huge gut and large, jiggly man breasts.

I also loved the McDonald's commercials, even though I hate clowns. Ronald (who surprisingly never bothered me), Mayor McCheese, the Fry Guys, Birdie, the Hamburgler...they were cute, clever, witty, and appealed to adults and children alike. Even a trip to McDonald's was fun. It was like a more accessible, cheaper, and grease-laden version of Disneyworld.

That was then. Things changed. I got tall and skinny, and McDonald's decided to abandon its classic branding strategy. For the past several years, in a determined attempt to stay relevant, McDonald's has tried to be hip and cool. Healthy salads, all-white meat chicken, and hip-hoppity commercials catering largely to urban youth.

And now, the full brunt of the McDonald's advertising machine, with its multi-gazillion dollar ad budget and an A-list team of marketing gurus, has coined a hip new phrase and is determined to shove it down the American gullet via every media outlet possible. The brilliant and cutting-edge idea? Nuggnuts.

You see, it's really quite brilliant. People are crazy (or "nuts") about McNuggets, so they put the two words together and devise lots of clever situations where people can show how "Nuggnuts" they are. Get it? Ha!

OK, seriously. That's the best they can do? Nuggnuts? More than one person actually thought this was a good idea? Not like the commercials are any better. The R&B singer wailing that his girlfriend won't share her McNuggets? First, aren't you rich enough to buy your own fucking food? Second, if that selfish bitch won't share...can't you kick her and her value meal to the curb and pick up, like, 30 new chicks if you wanted to? How about the commercial showing a party where the people are setting McNuggets on the table with fancy little palm leaf plates? If I went to a party and the hosts were serving me McNuggets to eat, I would get back in my car, leave their trailer park, and find better friends.

If anyone from McDonald's is reading this, please accept my offer to design your next advertising campain for a fraction of what you are paying the Madison Avenue folks. I have tons of cool ideas that would appeal to the coveted 18-35 demographic: How about a viral ad campaign with people attacking unsuspecting victims in the street with baseball bats and then shoving hamburgers in their bloody, broken jaws? The tag line..."Have you been Mac Attacked?" Or, we can strike a lucrative advertising deal with all the maximum security prisons hosting death row inmates and request that right before they flip the switch on Ol' Sparky, the warden puts a french fry in the con's mouth. We can call that ad campaign: "Wanna get Fryed?" I got a million of 'em. Call me.

Subway=Sandwich Porn

Quick, what's the first thing you think of when you see this:

Time's up. The correct answer is: a scene from "Asian Sex Party VII," starring me (acting under my porn alias, Lance Manly). The second thing you think of is probably the Subway "Five Dollar Footlong" ads. You know, a variety of characters holding up 5 fingers and then stretching out their hands approximately 12 inches apart to the most irritating, dissonant, repetitive jingle ever.

Let's deconstruct this, shall we? Clearly the ads are dripping with blatant sexual undertones that cater to every sick, twisted, and deviant fantasy...men, women, animals, construction workers, Godzilla. And, in their attempt to convince people to buy their sandwiches, Subway has fostered a phallic obsession and then cheapened it by placing a $5 dollar price tag on it. And the obsession with size further devalues the male psyche--notice that there's no commercial for a "$2.50 six inch".

Let's dig down a little deeper: When viewed without the music, the act of holding up your hand and making the 12-inch motion is really just a way to say, "Hi, I'm a pervert without any regard for social mores and need 12 inches to satisfy my fragile psyche. Wanna go back to my place and have meaningless sexual relations to fill the void in my life?" Disgusting. I wonder if that's how Sen. Daniel Craig actually got caught.

Am I reading too far into this? I don't think so. Am I intimidated by the advertisements?...no, of course, not, that's ridiculous. In fact, I'm going to drink some beer and watch some football now, 'cause I'm a normal, masculine, woman-loving man. Then I'm going to see the new Brad Pitt movie.

GEICO Cavemen--Prissy Prehistoric Pussies

GEICO is apparently unaware of the concept of the law of diminishing returns. The first 76 commercials featuring the cavemen were pretty funny. It was entertaining, anachronistic fish-out-of-water type stuff. You know, cavemen living among us and dealing with stereotypes. The "roast duck with the mango salsa" commercial...hysterical. It actually worked on a variety of levels and was even marginally socially relevant.

Then the TV show happened. Oops. And when the show was cancelled 15 minutes after the pilot aired, instead of taking the hint that maybe the ad campaign had hit a wall, the company pushed on. Now, instead of battling stereotypes with witty banter, the cavemen are starting to act like whiny crybabies

For instance, there's the spot with the two guys on motorcycles. They get off their bikes to meet two smoking hot chicks, then one of them spots a caveman billboard ad. Both dudes then apparently get so pissed off, they then leave the chicks hanging and get back on their bikes. I can't even begin to tell you what's wrong with that scenario...OK, yes I can. First of all, I never realized that cro-magnons were overly-sensitive sissypants. I guess testosterone levels were lower 50 million years ago. Second, if I even had a .00001 chance of banging one of those chicks, there could have been a billboard promoting graphic midget clown porn starring my extended family, and I would not have budged.

Then there's another one with a caveman and his way-too-cute girlfriend doing some beachcombing with a metal detector. He finds a set of keys and is happy until...you guessed it...there's a GEICO keychain attached. He then storms off in a snit and leaves his chick to pick up after him. If I were his girlfriend, I would have El Kabonged him with the metal detector and left him with a wooly mammoth-sized dent in his huge prehistoric noggin.

Can you imagine if the Whassup! guys were still doing commercials now? That's kind of where the GEICO ads are. Time for a new campaign. Maybe something new and edgy involving lesbian strippers. How's this for a new slogan: "15 minutes can save you 15% or more on your car insurance... more than enough for a lap dance and a visit to the Champagne Room." That would be one hell of a Super Bowl commercial.

He Went to Jared--to make everyone else feel like shit.

The folks who brought you the Jared "Galleria of Jewelry" commercials used to be satisfied by just making men feel insecure. You know, some girl gets a chintzy bracelet from her boyfriend and every other woman in the room proceeds to throw a hissy fit and nag, needle, and emasculate their significant others by pointing out that the tool went to Jared. Of course, at that point, every guy would be concerned with exactly two things: 1) getting drunk enough to drown out their woman's bleating; and 2) beating the living crap out of the guy who felt obligated to show them all up. Nonetheless, the point is that the ads were focused only on making men feel stupid.

Not anymore. Now, Jared wants to make single women feel just as worthless by portraying them as shallow, desperate spinsters. Case in point, in the newest Jared commercial, some evil bitch is constantly sending picture messages to her two friends to brag how her guy bought her flowers, took her to Chez Francois, and went to Jared.

First of all, who would do something like that? Why would that smug broad torture her friends by rubbing her hopelessly whipped boyfriend's gifts in their faces? She is basically saying, "Hey, losers, my puppet is bending to my whim and emptying his checkbook for me. Jealous? Good luck picking up truckers at the hotel bar tonight. I'll text you later while he's banging me like a kettle drum. Kisses!!" To end it, the two beaten-down friends text Cruella back and ask her if her man has any brothers. The woman and her husk of a former male then laugh at her friends' sad lives.

Nice. So now the goal is not just to guilt men into buying crappy jewelry for women, but also to belittle single women into wishing they were lucky enough to have a guy to buy it for them. Perhaps Jared's next ad spot will be more compassionate and show a man kicking a kitten.

Citicards Promotion and Nickelback--the worst prize ever.

Citicards is running a promotion involving a "once in a lifetime" chance to win a three-night tour with Nickelback. What's worse (if that's possible) is the ad involving the promotion: Two guys, who are "seat movers," apparently feel the need to constantly move from the nosebleed section to better, empty seats throughout the arena until they find themselves on the floor, next to two hot girls. A big, stereotypical bouncer then finds them and hilarity ensues.

I have several problems with this commercial. First of all, no two men would ever willingly go to a Nickelback concert together. Seriously, it wouldn't happen. It is, for lack of a better word, queer. Van Halen, Springsteen, Metallica, sure, but Nickelback...no. In fact, no male would go to a Nickelback concert at all, unless extenuating circumstances existed, such as: a) a really desperate attempt to get into a girl's pants; b) he was tone deaf with a strange attraction to talentless Candian hacks; or c) he was infected with a rare biological disease and the only cure would be to subject the bacteria to meaningless, forgettable, poseur-rock at a very high volume. That's it.

And its not just one concert, but you have to hang out with them for 3 whole days. Jesus. Maybe Citi could run a more appealing promotion next year. For instance, a "once in a lifetime chance" to be circumcised with a rusty butter knife?

Cash4Gold.com--Who says Americans are lazy and stupid?

Here's a great idea. Let's say you need money, and you happen to have some jewelry lying around. Instead of getting it appraised by a reputable jeweler, how about you send it to a random company who will pay you what is surely pennies on the dollar? Well, that's the basis for Cash4Gold.com. It is basically tailor-made for lazy Americans desperate for a quick buck.

And, oh by the way, the commercials don't make the customer base look any better. For instance:


Apparently, not only does she have a more affected New York Jewish accent than my mother, but she "never realized that her gold jewelry was worth so much money." Really? Precious metals are not just pretty and shiny, but valuable too?? Way to represent the Tribe, Bubbe.

And then, there's this classy broad:

She sent off her wedding ring from her first marriage, and got money the very next day. I wonder what she'll do for rings 2-7. She is probably now wishing that there was a new service she could take advantage of, Cash4Kids.com.