I Want to Kick McDonald's in the Nuggnuts

I used to love McDonald's. I also used to love Chicken McNuggets. I loved dipping random pieces of golden fried chicken knuckle goodness into BBQ sauce and honey. I used to down 20 pieces in one sitting, which, while delicious, also unfortunately contributed a childhood defined by a huge gut and large, jiggly man breasts.

I also loved the McDonald's commercials, even though I hate clowns. Ronald (who surprisingly never bothered me), Mayor McCheese, the Fry Guys, Birdie, the Hamburgler...they were cute, clever, witty, and appealed to adults and children alike. Even a trip to McDonald's was fun. It was like a more accessible, cheaper, and grease-laden version of Disneyworld.

That was then. Things changed. I got tall and skinny, and McDonald's decided to abandon its classic branding strategy. For the past several years, in a determined attempt to stay relevant, McDonald's has tried to be hip and cool. Healthy salads, all-white meat chicken, and hip-hoppity commercials catering largely to urban youth.

And now, the full brunt of the McDonald's advertising machine, with its multi-gazillion dollar ad budget and an A-list team of marketing gurus, has coined a hip new phrase and is determined to shove it down the American gullet via every media outlet possible. The brilliant and cutting-edge idea? Nuggnuts.

You see, it's really quite brilliant. People are crazy (or "nuts") about McNuggets, so they put the two words together and devise lots of clever situations where people can show how "Nuggnuts" they are. Get it? Ha!

OK, seriously. That's the best they can do? Nuggnuts? More than one person actually thought this was a good idea? Not like the commercials are any better. The R&B singer wailing that his girlfriend won't share her McNuggets? First, aren't you rich enough to buy your own fucking food? Second, if that selfish bitch won't share...can't you kick her and her value meal to the curb and pick up, like, 30 new chicks if you wanted to? How about the commercial showing a party where the people are setting McNuggets on the table with fancy little palm leaf plates? If I went to a party and the hosts were serving me McNuggets to eat, I would get back in my car, leave their trailer park, and find better friends.

If anyone from McDonald's is reading this, please accept my offer to design your next advertising campain for a fraction of what you are paying the Madison Avenue folks. I have tons of cool ideas that would appeal to the coveted 18-35 demographic: How about a viral ad campaign with people attacking unsuspecting victims in the street with baseball bats and then shoving hamburgers in their bloody, broken jaws? The tag line..."Have you been Mac Attacked?" Or, we can strike a lucrative advertising deal with all the maximum security prisons hosting death row inmates and request that right before they flip the switch on Ol' Sparky, the warden puts a french fry in the con's mouth. We can call that ad campaign: "Wanna get Fryed?" I got a million of 'em. Call me.