AT&T Talking Thumbs--Lick My Text-icles.

In general, I am anti-texting, unless you are a 10 to 14 year-old girl. If you're not, then call someone on the phone if you need to get a hold of them or send an e-mail, using actual English. The whole LOL, OMG, BFF, SCKMYDCK texting vernacular makes me want to puke.

I am also of the opinion that texting makes us appear even lazier and stupider than we are, which is no small feat. Case in point--the AT&T talking thumbs commercial. If you've seen it, the ad elicits a visceral reaction so primitive that after it's over all you want to do is smash someone's face in with a club. If you haven't seen it, consider yourself lucky. But, let me try to 'splain it to you:

Under the guise of asking "how do you say LOL," the commercial shows four sets of thumbs, each with wee little talking faces where the thumbnails should be moving rapidly across a cell phone QWERTY keyboard. The first set of thumbs is a black guy saying and typing "Funny is knocking on the door and he wants to PAAARTAAAY!" The second set of thumbs is a dorky white guy with glasses shrieking "That's insanium in the cranium dawg." The third set is a goth chick mumbling "I'm laughing on the dark abysmal inside...huh huh" And the fourth set is a doper screaming "Shake your funny maker. Shake it. Shake it hard."

I wish that I could have said the above paragraph was written while I was hallucinating after downing 8 pounds of 'shrooms. Unfortunately, I wasn't. All I can really say is...HOLY FUCKING SHIT! JUST WRITING ABOUT THAT COMMERCIAL MAKES HULK WANT TO SMASH!!!"........ OK, I just punched my cat. I feel better now.

There are, quite obviously, way too many things wrong and annoying about this advertisement to document here. So, let's just discuss a few. First, and most importantly, talking thumbs are creepy, weird, freaky, and physiologically impossible. Secondly, even if thumbs could talk, if my thumbs ever said "That's insanium in the cranium, dawg," I would hit them repeatedly with a mallet or hack them off with a blunt axe.

There is nothing redeeming or even remotely amusing about this commercial. As I mentioned before, it makes me want to break shit. Whoever came up with that ad should have suitable punishment meted out. Perhaps they could be tied up and then have their own thumbs shoved up their respective asses for so long that even Richard Gere would find it excessive.